The relatively recent change in my marital status to “single” seems to have qualified me to hear the doubts and deliberations of friends for whom the concept of divorce is a presence in their lives. I feel like some sort of divorce whisperer.
The relatively recent change in my marital status to “single” seems to have qualified me to hear the doubts and deliberations of friends for whom the concept of divorce is a presence in their lives. I feel like some sort of divorce whisperer.
A dear and longtime friend writes of her new home and the challenges she has faced as a freshly single person. A close high school pal calls every other day during a week and a half of wrestling over staying married for the sake of his almost-grown children or leaving his very dysfunctional relationship. A former neighbor confides that couples’ counseling has led her to the decision to end her marriage.
Celebrity breakups are standard, sensational fodder for entertainment media and the tabloids, but most of those stories are meaningless without a personal connection to the parties putting asunder their marital ties. It dismayed me to learn of musician Neil Young's impending divorce after 36 years with his wife.
Unhappiness is the recurring theme in split-ups, from my uncoupling friends and world-renown stars. They hold that staying within their unions would limit opportunities to know contentment. Everybody wants to be happy, I suppose.
But I'm not certain happiness or the lack thereof comes from anyone outside our self. And my strong suspicion is that happiness is a byproduct of other things you do, not a goal to be pursued for itself alone.
When my friends share with me, I try to maintain my primary role of good listener. But if they ask for advice, I pass along what a friend sent to my wife and me when our intent to divorce became public.
This is your divorce, she said, no one else's. Just like your wedding, it should be a personal reflection of who you both are. If you are committed to it, then commit to giving each other the best breakup possible.
I don't know if this guidance helps anyone else, but it benefited me. The focus changed from my feelings of loss and rejection to doing as well as I could manage by someone who stood by me for many years. That did not take away the heartache and grief, but it somehow made less bitter the pill I had to swallow.
For my friends and others, this reflection: in the movie, Casablanca, Rick tells ex-lover Ilsa that she must leave town with her husband or she will regret it, and that “the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.”
I dare say, in the bigger picture, problems between two people should not blind us to doing the best we can in facing that toughest human challenge, showing love to someone even when we may not feel they deserve it.
Doing so will not grant you instant happiness, but putting others ahead of yourself and doing good by them when the going gets tough is something you’ll not regret.
Pat Grimes, a former South Bay resident, writes from Ypsilanti, Mich. He can be reached at pgwriter@inbox.com
